Daylle Deanna Schwartz
“You’re turning into a b*tch,” my husband said. I sat there in disbelief. After all, I was a nice girl whom everyone could count on, even if they weren’t there for me. Friends turned to me for favors, knowing I’d acquiesce since I was a people pleaser. I’d cancel plans to help, loan money to people who never repaid me, give a lift that was inconvenient, and agree to whatever movie, restaurant, or activity someone chose.
Yet here I was being called a b*tch. My crime? I had indigestion and didn’t want to go to the Italian restaurant my husband had his heart set on. I asked to eat in one with a lighter menu. He said he was going for Italian and I could join him or not. I said, without hesitation, NOT! He was stunned and threw the b*tch dart at me. People do that to manipulate nice girls into acquiescence when we try to set boundaries on being agreeable.
I’d always prided myself on being nice but what did that really mean? Putting my needs aside to please everyone? Being called a nasty name woke me. Having indigestion didn’t mean I wasn’t nice. I paid more attention to how people treated me and most importantly, how I treated me. I knew “nice” needed to be redefined. It didn’t mean being a people pleaser! I’d been a DoorMat to everyone and it was time to stop!
My newfound confidence led me to become one of the first women to start an independent record label. I had to learn to play nicely with the sexist all boys club but with a presence that got taken seriously. I tested and found more effective ways to respond to situations and express myself. It was important to keep my emotions in check to get taken seriously and communicate softly, but with conviction.
Taming my inner people pleaser helped me redefine nice as courteous, considerate and kind, not always having to acquiesce to other people’s needs. Now I’m most important to me! My new behavior helped me grow into what I call a Nice Girl on Top. I used my new techniques in all areas of my life—setting boundaries with friends and family, getting better customer service, etc.
I’m still courteous to everyone and like to help others, but with boundaries on how much. And I’m kind to myself, too. Self-sacrificing to please others isn’t nice! It’s being a DoorMat, which I no longer choose to be. I now teach women how to tame their inner people pleaser to become a Nice Girl on Top, too. I even did a show with Oprah on this topic. Being nicely on top is a lovely place to be!
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Daylle Deanna Schwartz writes self-empowerment books, including her new Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), bestselling music business books for Billboard/Random House, and the popular blog, Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat.
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Great article Daylle! I am grateful to have you as Designing Women’s first client!
Follow Daylle at http://www.twitter.com/daylle
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