Carmen Pichardo-Gonzalez
“It’s tough to be a woman and when you have kids it’s even tougher,” my grandmother used to say, but I did not realize this until now that I have my own family.
One crazy morning last year while working on a project after having my second child, I had a very important early morning meeting at the office. That meant that my husband was in charge of getting our then four-year-old daughter ready for pre-school while he also waited for grandma to come watch over our younger daughter, who was seven months old at the time. That morning I did everything I usually do: pump out breast milk, review schoolwork with my daughter, read and sign pre-school paperwork, and prepare breakfast and lunch.
My mom was running late to stay with the baby when my husband had to drop off my older daughter at pre-school, so that made me a little nervous. But I had to trust that everything would be fine. Everything was ready for him, so he wouldn’t have any inconveniences.
Out the door I went, feeling on the top of the world. But in the middle of the day, I felt weird, as if I had done something wrong or forgotten something. So I went through my to-do list in my mind: show and tell, director’s tea, teacher’s conference, parents’ meetings and so on, just to make sure that all bases were covered.
Suddenly I realized that I had forgotten to check the pre-school calendar. I got a little scared, so I called my mom and asked her to check the calendar. I was paranoid when I heard what she said: “School Picture Day.”
I then called my husband and asked him what my daughter wore to school and if he knew that it was school picture day. I was not surprised by his answer: “I don’t remember.” I managed to calm down in order to get some work done the rest of the day.
Later when I got home, I saw my daughter’s outfit. She was wearing her PAJAMAS and her hair was not combed (her school picture, below) . All sorts of things went through my head, including the fact that this was her last year at pre-school. At that point, I felt guilty, furious, disappointed, irresponsible, like a bad mom, and all the things you can imagine. I wanted my husband to disappear from the face of the earth. I counted to 10 and told him in non-offensive language how bad I felt and how dare he send her to school like that and how come he did not look at the calendar and I went on and on and on.
Suddenly my daughter, who was in the middle of all the fuss, looked at me and said, “Mommy, that’s why you can’t have a job.” That made me even more furious and I said to her, “Honey, I can work whenever I want, it’s your Daddy who has to be more responsible when I’m not here.”
Since that day, I’ve realized that I have been sending the wrong message to my girls in trying to do it all and as a result taking away my husband’s responsibilities. I want my daughters to have successful careers and to know that taking care of a family is not only a woman’s thing.
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Firstly, I will start by saying – despite your worries, your little one looks gorgeous in her school portrait.
As a young woman in my 20’s, I have been thinking about the struggles women go through when they have a family and a career to balance. Some people in my family have began poking me (so… when are you going to have a baby?) One family member asked “Well, what are you waiting for?” I said all that I could to such an ignorant remark – simply stated “I’m waiting for the right time, and man to have a family with”. But thinking about it further that night, I realized, I was also waiting for my career.
I have always wanted to be a strong career minded mother – so that I can instill those same morals and goals in my little ones. Honestly though, when is the right time to have children? After the promotion? After the raise? After the corner office?
How can you really know?
Being a working mother is, in my opinion, one of the hardest jobs in the world. Balancing the many demands on one’s time is extremely challenging.
I think it’s unfair that many times the women is expected to take on the responsibilty of remembering all the details about the kids. How can we better engage fathers?
Carmen, your little girl is smiling and happy in this photo. That’s a result of her parents. : )