Daylle Deanna Schwartz
“You’re turning into a b*tch,” my husband said. I sat there in disbelief. After all, I was a nice girl whom everyone could count on, even if they weren’t there for me. Friends turned to me for favors, knowing I’d acquiesce since I was a people pleaser. I’d cancel plans to help, loan money to people who never repaid me, give a lift that was inconvenient, and agree to whatever movie, restaurant, or activity someone chose.
Yet here I was being called a b*tch. My crime? I had indigestion and didn’t want to go to the Italian restaurant my husband had his heart set on. I asked to eat in one with a lighter menu. He said he was going for Italian and I could join him or not. I said, without hesitation, NOT! He was stunned and threw the b*tch dart at me. People do that to manipulate nice girls into acquiescence when we try to set boundaries on being agreeable.
I’d always prided myself on being nice but what did that really mean? Putting my needs aside to please everyone? Being called a nasty name woke me. Having indigestion didn’t mean I wasn’t nice. I paid more attention to how people treated me and most importantly, how I treated me. I knew “nice” needed to be redefined. It didn’t mean being a people pleaser! I’d been a DoorMat to everyone and it was time to stop!
My newfound confidence led me to become one of the first women to start an independent record label. I had to learn to play nicely with the sexist all boys club but with a presence that got taken seriously. I tested and found more effective ways to respond to situations and express myself. It was important to keep my emotions in check to get taken seriously and communicate softly, but with conviction.
Taming my inner people pleaser helped me redefine nice as courteous, considerate and kind, not always having to acquiesce to other people’s needs. Now I’m most important to me! My new behavior helped me grow into what I call a Nice Girl on Top. I used my new techniques in all areas of my life—setting boundaries with friends and family, getting better customer service, etc.
I’m still courteous to everyone and like to help others, but with boundaries on how much. And I’m kind to myself, too. Self-sacrificing to please others isn’t nice! It’s being a DoorMat, which I no longer choose to be. I now teach women how to tame their inner people pleaser to become a Nice Girl on Top, too. I even did a show with Oprah on this topic. Being nicely on top is a lovely place to be!
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Daylle Deanna Schwartz writes self-empowerment books, including her new Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), bestselling music business books for Billboard/Random House, and the popular blog, Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat.
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Aisha Al-Muslim
After I arrived to the United States in December 1996 from Panama, I worked hard to overcome the language barrier by teaching myself how to read and write English. I have come a long way since then. Now, I attend the City University of New York Graduate School of Journalism and expect to graduate with a Master’s degree in broadcast journalism in December 2009.
As I tried to pursue my career as a journalism reporter, I was faced with a major challenge: the lack of money for graduate school. My mother, a home attendant, could not afford any of the private universities that accepted me like Northwestern or Syracuse. But with the help of a scholarship from the New York Women in Communications Foundation, I was able to afford to attend the best journalism school in New York City, the CUNY Graduate School of Journalism.
After receiving the scholarship, I felt that I needed to show my sincere gratitude for all the help that I received from the organization and for all the great friends I have made along the way. So, I immediately joined the Student Affairs Committee of NYWICI. My first assignment was to help organize the Student Career Conference in November 2008. Since then, I have helped organize other events. I plan to be a part of NYWICI for many years to come.
Aisha is a New York Women in Communications Foundation 2008 Scholarship winner.
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Zanade L. Mann
What was I to do when I found myself surrounded by so many young girls looking for information and resources? I did the only logical thing and implemented The Pink Polka Dot Organization! An organization dedicated to the enrichment of underserved young girls throughout New York City, ages 5 to 21.
At first I was a bit overwhelmed by what it would take to operate as a nonprofit in NYC but I remained dedicated to the overall purpose of Pink Polka Dot. I knew that I could not just start an organization without experience, so in 2007 I began volunteering at many organizations, such as Career Peeks, Girls Scouts, NY Cares and the Administration of Children’s Services, to strengthen my knowledge of children. It was time-consuming, considering that I worked a full-time job, was a full-time parent and was taking classes at Hunter College.
I received wonderful support from my professional networks including NYWICI, on how fine of a job I was doing, so that kept me above water most of the time. By 2008 I had brought PPD to over five schools within the NYC Board of Education and numerous community centers in urban areas. Our programs grew immediately as more parents noticed the need for our specialized programs. One program in particular that was an instant hit was The Empowerment Challenge. This eight-week program engages the girls in self esteem modules to help them better understand and love who they really are. We focus on internal beauty and well external appearances.
There are so many memories and experiences that I can recall in the implementation of PPD. In early 2008 I was faced with a challenge; after months of research and preparation of PPD’s programs, I realized that I had no physical space to host my meetings. So I put my CEO cap on and brainstormed for answers and finally it hit me. I would call every community center within the five boroughs until one director told me yes! To my amazement, the third director of a tiny community center in Staten Island said, “Of course we would love to have you!” and that sparked the flame that is now PPD.
Financially, things were tough because I funded PPD out of my pocket; everything that PPD needed came out of my take-home pay from my initial job, but I found ways to manage. It was the girls’ smiles that made it that much easier.
Listing pros and cons, I would say the only con about starting this organization was learning nonprofit law. Being that I had no additional money for such training I had to learn everything myself or through information from my networks. The pros are endless, and my most valued pro would be making a huge difference in the lives of little girls. I look forward to the day that one of my members announces to me that she is going away to college!
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Carmen Pichardo-Gonzalez
“It’s tough to be a woman and when you have kids it’s even tougher,” my grandmother used to say, but I did not realize this until now that I have my own family.
One crazy morning last year while working on a project after having my second child, I had a very important early morning meeting at the office. That meant that my husband was in charge of getting our then four-year-old daughter ready for pre-school while he also waited for grandma to come watch over our younger daughter, who was seven months old at the time. That morning I did everything I usually do: pump out breast milk, review schoolwork with my daughter, read and sign pre-school paperwork, and prepare breakfast and lunch.
My mom was running late to stay with the baby when my husband had to drop off my older daughter at pre-school, so that made me a little nervous. But I had to trust that everything would be fine. Everything was ready for him, so he wouldn’t have any inconveniences.
Out the door I went, feeling on the top of the world. But in the middle of the day, I felt weird, as if I had done something wrong or forgotten something. So I went through my to-do list in my mind: show and tell, director’s tea, teacher’s conference, parents’ meetings and so on, just to make sure that all bases were covered.
Suddenly I realized that I had forgotten to check the pre-school calendar. I got a little scared, so I called my mom and asked her to check the calendar. I was paranoid when I heard what she said: “School Picture Day.”
I then called my husband and asked him what my daughter wore to school and if he knew that it was school picture day. I was not surprised by his answer: “I don’t remember.” I managed to calm down in order to get some work done the rest of the day.
Later when I got home, I saw my daughter’s outfit. She was wearing her PAJAMAS and her hair was not combed (her school picture, below) . All sorts of things went through my head, including the fact that this was her last year at pre-school. At that point, I felt guilty, furious, disappointed, irresponsible, like a bad mom, and all the things you can imagine. I wanted my husband to disappear from the face of the earth. I counted to 10 and told him in non-offensive language how bad I felt and how dare he send her to school like that and how come he did not look at the calendar and I went on and on and on.
Suddenly my daughter, who was in the middle of all the fuss, looked at me and said, “Mommy, that’s why you can’t have a job.” That made me even more furious and I said to her, “Honey, I can work whenever I want, it’s your Daddy who has to be more responsible when I’m not here.”
Since that day, I’ve realized that I have been sending the wrong message to my girls in trying to do it all and as a result taking away my husband’s responsibilities. I want my daughters to have successful careers and to know that taking care of a family is not only a woman’s thing.
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Gail Griffin
“How does she do it?” It’s a question a lot of working mothers ask themselves when they watch those supermoms who seem to be able to seamlessly balance the demands of work, home and other commitments. I know “the juggle,” as some call it, firsthand. I recently had my second child, while balancing a full-time job as general manager of a web site, other family obligations and volunteer work.
On Oct. 7, New York Women in Communications will hold a panel discussion on “Disconnecting in a Hyper-Connected World,” where a variety of women media professionals will share advice and tales on how they balance career and family. (Click here to learn more about the event or to register.) Thanks to the Crackberry, I’ve been staying semi-connected to the office while out on maternity leave for the past few months and I’ve picked up a few tips of my own. And while I wouldn’t remotely claim to be an expert in managing the juggle, I have found a few web resources to share with other working moms.
Get all your news in one place. Many women in communications need to stay on top of multiple media sources, both for personal and professional reading. But with limited time to visit multiple sites each day, it helps to gather them all in one place. These days, most sites offer RSS (“Really Simple Syndication”) feeds of the top headlines that provide easy access to the latest news or topical headlines.
With one or two simple clicks, those headlines can be easily plugged into an RSS reader, which aggregates content from many different sources. Google Reader and My Yahoo are two widely used RSS readers, but there are many others.
Join or start an online networking group. Joining or forming a group of other working mothers – either based on geography or other interest group – can be a great way to keep tabs on what’s going on in your neighborhood, as well as to network with other moms. My neighborhood of Sunnyside, Queens, has a social networking group, Sunnymoms, that’s grown from a few members several years ago to more than 250 today.
With everything from extensive mom-to-mom advice to tips about neighborhood meetups and swaps of no-longer-needed kid gear, the list is a central resource for the neighborhood. It’s also a godsend for working moms, who can ask questions to the group and get quick, great advice that can be read via email every morning. Collectively, the moms also act as trendspotters to news you won’t find in mainstream parenting magazines, posting links on everything from the latest research on breastfeeding to links to neighborhood food blogs.
Many neighborhoods have similar groups on Yahoo, Google or Facebook, so check to see if there’s one in your area. If not, consider starting one – it’s quick and easy, and like the one in Sunnyside, is likely to grow quickly via word of mouth.
Unite your work and home calendars online. I like to joke that Google Calendar saved my marriage. Before we set up our family calendar on this easy-to-use web application, my husband and I had separate calendars and would trade emails to let the other know about events or time commitments – leading to the “it must have gotten caught in my spam filter” excuse when one of us invariably forgot. Now, we each manage our work calendars on Outlook, but use Google Calendar to keep all our family events. The application allows you to sync either two ways with Outlook, just from Outlook to Google, or vice versa, making it easy to control the flow of information.
While there are plenty of other calendar applications on the web, it’s hard to beat the simplicity of Google. In my household, it’s even spawned a new verb – to “googlecal” events so each of us knows what the others are up to.
I’d love to hear tips on other ways the web has made your own juggle easier. Post your comments below, or share them at the Oct. 7 NYWICI event. It’s on my Google Cal, so I’ll see you there.
Gail Griffin is NYWICI’s co-VP of Integrated Marketing and Communications, overseeing the organization’s editorial content.
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Miriam Tuliao
The dog days of summer invite lazy afternoons relaxing with a great book at the beach or on the deck. In my position as the assistant director of Central Collection Development for the New York Public Library, I’m lucky to get an early introduction to noteworthy new books. Here are my picks for five summer reads you surely won’t want to miss:
Intrigue and suspense start early in Jennifer McMahon’s Island of Lost Girls (Harper Paperbooks; April 2008). The novel’s opening scene finds Rhonda Farr filling up her car at a gas station and witnessing a six-year-old girl being abducted by a stranger wearing a rabbit costume.
Gil Adamson’s The Outlander (Ecco; April 2008), set in 1903, is a startlingly lyrical debut novel about a 19-year-old widow’s desperate odyssey. After murdering her husband, Mary Boulton scrambles across Canadian foothills while her two vengeful brother-in-laws are in hot pursuit.
Victoria Lustbader examines the complexities of love and loss in her latest novel, Stone Creek (Harper Paperbacks; May 2008). She tells the affecting story of a lonely wife who finds solace in the company of a young widower and his five-year-old son.
In Helping Me Help Myself: One Skeptic, Ten Self-Help Gurus, and a Year on the Brink of the Comfort Zone (William Morrow; January 2008), Beth Lisick commits to a year of self-improvement. The California-based writer provides droll, enlightening chronicles of her journey, which include attendance at an Orman-led financial seminar and a “Cruise to Lose” with Richard Simmons.
In Kabul Beauty School: An American Woman Goes Behind the Veil (Random House Trade Paperbacks; December 2007), Deborah Rodriguez offers a captivating and colorful account of developing a cosmetology training program in Afghanistan after the fall of the Taliban.
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Sammy Davis
Graduating from college and looking for your first job is a lot like going on a shopping spree. That diploma becomes as powerful as a limitless credit card with a great rate, and walking off the stage with diploma in hand is like heading straight to Bloomingdale’s with the blessing of American Express burning a plastic hole in your pocket.
After graduating from Temple University on May 22 with a degree in magazine journalism, I’m ready to explore the racks of life’s opportunities and charge a few risks. I have a department store full of opportunity before me, and the job search, the post-graduate shopping spree, is a chance to explore and expand my personal style.
Working for the big companies is like the Diane Von Furstenburg wrap dress of the work world – a dependable look that’s always in style and flatters all body types.
But sometimes, we have to move away from the tried-and-true and experiment with our style assets. While my degree was in print journalism, I’m eager to begin a career where glossy paper doesn’t exist, in digital media. While I’ll always possess the power of the written word, I’m excited to add a few new digital skill-accessories to my wardrobe and see how I can mix and match the old with the new.
This winter, I launched a women’s online magazine called AWKWARD: Because Perfection is Boring. I co-founded the blog as an outlet for 20-something women to submit personal narrative essays for publication and to enjoy miscellaneous poetry, links, images, articles and word-of-the-day posts that contribute to the blog’s mission that perfection is neither achievable nor attractive or interesting.
The work that came with launching AWKWARDisawesome.com was like asking a complete stranger to dress me – but loving the outfit she chose. With no prior experience in Web site coding, I researched online to teach myself how to develop pages and features for the blog. I met with a new media organization in Philadelphia to learn more about other blogging platforms. I subscribed to industry news and became familiar with jargon like search engine optimization, unique users and RSS feeds.
Starting a unique project or seeking a career change can be frightening. Like walking into a new store, we have our doubts that its style is best for our look. As a just-minted college graduate, I have the freedom to try on as many outfits as I want. The changing room is my chance to experiment and learn more about my most flattering colors, cuts and sizes in the world of communications and new media.
Thanks to New York Women in Communications, Inc., I’ve met colleagues, mentors and icons who have inspired me to find my own unique style, rather than settling for the season’s latest disposable trend.
While I’m still shopping for a style that suits me best, I know that when I ask “Does this look good on me?” that my friends in NYWICI will be there to give me an honest opinion – even if it means tossing the outfit and starting from scratch. Thanks to my support system in NYWICI, I’m not frightened of the opportunity. Instead, I’m ready to tackle the racks for the most fabulous outfit that is my future in communications and in New York City.
Sammy Davis is this year’s winner of New York Women in Communications, Inc.’s Young Communicator Award, which is given to a student or young professional who serves as a role model to other members.
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Lauren Mack
Thanks to winning a NYWICI scholarship, the past three years have been beyond my wildest dreams. From interviewing Chinese athletes to interviewing the man who is bringing hypnotism to China to eating at some of the hottest restaurants in Beijing, I’ve been busy enjoying the best job in the world.
As a journalist in Beijing, China, I’ve had the chance to go places and see things I never thought would be possible before winning my scholarship. My work has appeared in Newsweek International, Time Out Beijing, City Weekend and tbj Home (the latter two are English language magazines in China). I’ve also worked on several tour books including Explorer Beijing, Time Out Beijing and Zagat Beijing. In addition to work experience, I have been privileged to witness history in the making as China prepares for the 2008 Olympic Games.
In February, I moved to Taipei, Taiwan, where I continue to freelance. I am working on several projects including a web site for Taipei that will be launched in the early summer. I am also taking Chinese classes to improve my Mandarin. Living abroad is a wonderful gift and I have NYWICI to thank for it. Every day I get to discover new things. My job allows me to talk to people I would not normally get a chance to meet.
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about NYWICI and the impact it has made on my professional and personal life. Winning the scholarship gave me more confidence, afforded me the opportunity to pursue internships (which later helped me get jobs), and introduced me to a family of talented, confident, friendly and beautiful women who are all at the top (or on the way to the top) of their fields.
Winning the money was great (it helped lower the amount of loans I now have), but being awarded a NYWICI scholarship is not just about the money. You become a part of a sisterhood of women who nurture and encourage you every step of the way. By winning the award, I felt gratified to know women whom I admired and who believed in me and my goals. Winning reminded me to never give up on my dreams and goals no matter how big or small.
I owe my success to the scholarship committee and all those who support NYWICI and make these scholarships possible. Without you, my full potential and dreams would not have been realized. My hope is to do work that makes NYWICI proud and inspires others.
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Kara Smith
I launched Karasma Media Public Relations and Publicity, Harlem’s first new media PR firm, in December of last year because I knew I wanted to make a difference in the world. As part of the area’s renaissance, I realized that by being a catalyst for how my clients see themselves, I would shift the perception of how others see them. I also saw that I was my own client.
Two weeks ago with 15 proposals, more than 30 prospect meetings, and countless networking events under my belt, I only had enough funds remaining for one more month worth of bill payments. The adage stating, “necessity is the mother of invention,” definitely came into play, as did an overwhelming feeling of disappointment. But I was fortunate that my boyfriend wouldn’t let me feel sorry for myself for more than a day.
As I brushed off the pity-party dust, I said to myself, “Hello? Girl, you live in one of the greatest cities on the planet.” So, I shifted the focus of my introspection and got busy on the telephone and Internet. As of the writing of this blog, I am scheduled to start work as a consultant at a mid-town firm next week.
I also realized that in the midst of the challenges of my small business start-up, I hadn’t started to work on my college teaching career, which was also part of my personal “re-branding” program. Last week, I met with an institution administrator who may be interested in my teaching a class in public relations this summer. Now, I’m writing my own curriculum to present to several other area institutions in the coming weeks. The creation of my class as part of “Phase II” of my game plan has given birth to several blogs, including this one, as well as a dialogue with numerous media leaders.
Interestingly, the same day I met with the administrator, a prospective client called to say he wanted to move forward with the second phase of his project. There’s no way to be sure of the exact path I’ll travel to my future; however, one thing is for certain. It is incredibly energizing to address the challenges that arise as part of my doing business, and doing so is wonderfully fulfilling.
Among the aspects that will allow Karasma Media to be successful are self-sufficiency, education, and promotion. The most rewarding part of running my own business is that I get to choose the actions I take and the services I provide that will fulfill those attributes.
Are you running your own business, thinking about starting one or in the midst of career re-invention? I’d love to hear from you.
Please see the link for Karasma Media’s Launch announcement below:
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Tammy Tibbetts
As the Web editor of two Hearst teen web sites, MisQuinceMag.com and MyPromStyle.com, I work in a world of tiaras and taffeta, roses and lace, and prom queens. But for my Christmas vacation, I decided to travel somewhere totally out of this realm — to Liberia, an African nation recovering from civil war and inhabited by descendants of freed American slaves.
If you were to look up Liberia on Wikitravel, you will find a red WARNING box that says “the US State Department strongly urges American citizens to consider the risks of traveling to Liberia.” Before you depart, you need seven shots — for yellow fever, typhoid, Hep A, polio, meningitis, tetanus, and influenza. More than once, I thought I was nuts for signing myself up for this trip.
But the moment I knew for sure that this was an adventure I’d never regret happened on the day and time when, on any other year, I’d be opening presents from under the Christmas tree with my mom, dad, and younger sister: December 25, 8 a.m. New York time, 1 p.m. Liberian time. I was in Liberia’s capital city, Monrovia, and a bus had just pulled up the driveway of a wealthy Liberian man’s home. He had offered up his yard for the MacDella Cooper Foundation’s Third Annual Christmas Party. I had been waiting at his house since 10 a.m. that morning to greet these special guests, and they were finally here: More than 100 orphans, waving their hands enthusiastically and singing a Christmas hymn in unison as they entered. Within the next half hour, at least another 200 orphans arrived by foot. It was 80 degrees and there wasn’t a Santa in sight, but the spirit of Christmas was off the charts.
So how did I end up in Liberia, teaching these kids how to sing “Jingle Bells,” while they taught me the (ever-so-clichéd but oh-so-true) meaning of Christmas?
I met MacDella Cooper through my college professor — like me, MacDella had attended The College of New Jersey, and surprisingly, the alumni association hadn’t uncovered her special story. That became my mission for my senior journalism project last spring. I discovered how MacDella, now a 30-year-old New Yorker, had escaped Liberia at age 13, just after the country’s civil war had broken out (quick Wikipedia history lesson here). Following their stepfather’s disappearance, MacDella and her brothers trekked countless miles to a refugee camp in the neighboring Ivory Coast. There, an American woman eventually helped get them to the US to reunite them with their mother, who had been on vacation when the war broke out and wasn’t allowed to return to Liberia. MacDella then attended high school in Newark, New Jersey, got a full ride to college, and worked her way up the New York City social ladder, interning for the New York Film Festival and then landing her first job at Ralph Lauren.
If MacDella looks familiar to you, you probably attended NYWICI’s 2007 Annual Meeting. She was the striking, exotically dressed African woman who may have told you about her efforts to help children in Africa — not to be confused with the keynote speaker, Iman. Barbara Brennan, a NYWICI Foundation board member, and I had invited MacDella to the event, knowing how much she and Iman resembled one another in style and substance.
In 2004, the year after Liberia’s civil war ended, MacDella started a namesake foundation to send supplies to Liberians. From there, she decided to set up a 501(c)(3) charity to renovate orphanages and sponsor children’s school tuition, since education is not free in Liberia. Through her foundation, one can sponsor a Liberian child’s education for $500 a year, receive copies of his or her report card, and send the student encouraging notes. MacDella raises money here in New York and then travels to Liberia to put the funds to work. She has an apartment in Monrovia, which is protected by guards, and she has taken in three foster children — 3-year-old Belle, 7-year-old Leila, and 12-year-old Hajal — as well as a college student, Marcie.
When MacDella invited me to join her for her annual Christmas party for the orphanage, staying with her in her apartment, I hardly thought twice. What made the trip even more exciting was that she had also invited my friend and classmate, Genevieve Faust, who would be filming a documentary of the entire trip. Genevieve and I were both so enamored with New York City, the city of lights, that we were curious to visit Monrovia, which is literally struggling out of darkness. Electricity runs on generators, which turn on at about 7 p.m. and shut off at 7:30 a.m. along with the running water in the home.
While it wasn’t easy spending Christmas away from my family and breaking special traditions, I have many memories of that Christmas party that I’ll retell at every Christmas dinner for the rest of my life. The massive buckets of fried chicken, macaroni salad, and rice, scooped out on the kids’ paper plates; teaching the kids “Duck, Duck, Goose” and learning their hand clapping games; dropping Starburst candies into dozens of little palms; the dance-off competition that pitted orphanage against orphanage in good fun.
But what sticks with me more than anything else is this photo, which I’ve saved to my computer desktop. It is little Mapu, a quiet but always sweet orphan from the Children’s Rescue Mission. Her expression isn’t necessarily sad, but it seems to beckon our help. To her right is Belle, the happy-go-lucky 3-year-old MacDella rescued and took into her own home, where she receives endless affection, clean clothes to wear, and warm food to eat. She’s wearing a headband I found in the Seventeen beauty closet. I love how I snapped the photo prematurely, capturing the moment that she smiled at Mapu before looking directly at the camera. In that stolen moment, it’s as if she senses hope for Mapu’s future.
And at the end of the day, no matter how hard we work, volunteer, and communicate, hope is all we really have.
Tammy Tibbetts is a 2005 and 2006 NYWICI Foundation Scholarship Winner, a 2007 graduate of The College of New Jersey, and a NYWICI Student Affairs Committee member. She is now a Web editor for Hearst Digital Media.
Links
· My Liberia Travel Blog: http://newyorktoliberia.wordpress.com
· MacDella Cooper Foundation: http://www.macdellacooper.org
· Liberia’s Angel: The Life of MacDella Cooper (my senior project): http://www.liberiasangel.com
· My Travelogue for MarieClaire.com:
http://www.marieclaire.com/world/travel/liberia-macdella-cooper-1
http://www.marieclaire.com/world/travel/liberia-macdella-cooper-2
http://www.marieclaire.com/world/travel/liberia-macdella-cooper-3
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